5E. Leave the Buddhist monkhood and do meditation again
Pass time i know i have mistaken. And now i try no mistaken. I careful my think i don't stick the think if i need has or not need has. And monk teacher teach that. “ Person who have wisdom when do meditation at any academy. He can do good.” I think i don't use Arnapanasati but i can not focus at my stomach. I comprehend that i can hear all time. And i can focus sence at my ear becase near my nose and together think word “ has hear , has hear, ....“ I do meditation at ear is main and when have something appear at body or in my minde more than i hear i will focus my sence at appear more than and think follows indication together and then it disappear or come to normal i focus sence at ear again.
Oh! Now i can do meditation very thing follows as section 5 watt Mahatad taprajun. But it has yet problem becase i change base of main meditation. It is feel numb on my face. I feel my face is big than normal and such as has lump stay between my eyebrow. But i am not interest until i can focus sence at ear and thing word “has hear, has hear,....” continuse one hour or more than one hour. I don't tell about Vipudsanayan becase it is delicate. Fourth day after when i do meditation in the bedroom in rest time. I feel my body is weigh although i sitdown do meditation i feel my body is weigh. So i lie down do meditation by lay my two hands on bust when very thing is usual i focus sence at ear together think word “ has hear, has hear,....” when i hear but in truth it has voice all time. When pass time i feel i have numb at my bust but i not interest i yet do meditation at my ear. After that numb move to my neck but i not interest. The numb move to my face but i not interest. Until the numb move at my ear i have fear that my body may defective. But i think i faith Dharma very much i have clean commandments and i read up person who risk do meditation after that they not die so i will risk. I continuse do meditation until my sence disappear like sleep then my sence is appear and together think word “ has hear, has hear, has hear “ suddenly my sence is switch off it deep more than and more than sleep. After that have my sence and know my body suddenly. It is as my life cut off and switch off. I continuse do meditation but in this time i have happy all body and full my heart. This happiness have all time in four hour after that.
In that time there have much rain in bangkok. It is big flood in Bangkok. Ramkumhang university close and can not study and declare move the day for give degree by not fix month. I yet do meditation at watt Mahatad Taprajun. And now i can do meditation is very well the numb has little. When i sitdown do meditation i can focus at ear together think “ has hear, has hear,...” all time one or two hours by not focus my sence to another body or another minde. I do meditaton all time when i will sleep at night i do meditation until i sleeping when i wake up it suddenly do meditation as automatic. In day i sleep abuot 4 or 5 hour.
Near the morning About 37 day of do meditation at this. When i wake up but yet not know body my sence focus at my ear and together think “ has hear , has hear , has hear, ...”. and the word off think is increase quickly. I feel pain at point at focus. I think out that i should focus at my pain and together think the word “ is pain, is pain,...” or doing as before. I have decided doing as before. When i start the think off word increase quickly and my pain is increase and at focus point has appear gold light. The think off word is increase quickly very much and my pain is increase very much and point off gold light is increase strong light. I risk with my life doing continuse. Until i as nearly die the think off word the pain the gold light is delay the think off word the pain the gold light is not increase. It is stable just a moment. After suddenly the gold light the think off word the my pain and my sence is switch off and suddenly my sence and point of the gold light are happen but it is not pain and not think off the word. And suddenly my sence and gold light point switch off and happen again. It is as this more than 10 time. And lastest my sence is happen but have not gold light point. And suddenly point off my sence is down to below and my sence disappear. And when my sence is appear it is unit and happy in my minde. This happy can not find from everything all the world but happen when do meditation reach this level. All time of this event i know special point of my sence i don't know my body. At time my sence is unit and happy in my minde i think out that “ Oh! is this Nippan ? Oo! no. there is happy as Brahma.” when i end of think out the gold light point is appear. After that the gold light point is waver and i know very body. I do meditation continuse. I do meditation very good. My sence is unit and happy all body and happy in my minde.
About more than 40 day that i do meditation this once. I ask for permission from monk teacher to do duty. Monk teacher premiss me. In that time the flood is decrease but Ramkumhang university not open study and not work . I go to university see the bord for name of person finish education but there is not my name. I come back to section 5 watt Mahatad and continuse do meditation not interest about has not my name on the bord. About after 7 day i ask for permission from monk teacher again. I go to Ramkumhang university. Now it is not flood. University open study and work. But when i see my name on the bord it has not my name again. I don't know to do. I don't think every thing. Becase my minde is unit and clamly. I come back watt Mahatad taprajun and continuse do meditation. After 5 day i start think about has not my name on bord. Becase i have not permission paper for study in university. I decided i must request the university give degree for me. After 2 day i go to university again and see my name on the bord. Oh! There is my name on bord. I must not request. Ramkumhang university kind to me. I am not excited becase my minde is unit and clamly by power of meditation.
I continuse do meditation at section 5 watt Mahatad taprajun. In usually law of section 5 people can do meditation at section 5 watt Mahatad taprajun not more than one month. But i do meditation at here nearly two month. So i must go out here. I have little money i can not rent dorm. I think of my friend who he's parent buy home for he study. I go and beg him for stay with him. He agree me. I stay with him. I not dare find work becase in law i can not stay and work at Bangkok. But if i come back my home it has not work for me. I bear stay with my friend by not know the future. But i do meditation every day. I hope go to monkhood but i fear that it is might as old event.
I stay with my friend about two month. Another my friend who study in university induce me teach student who study in first or second year. I agree suddenly. I am tuter for earn my living. Although tuter can not make many money. But I can stay and work at Bangkok and my father is glad to me. I still intend for go to monkhood all my life but i fear it is same as old event. I try do meditation all time. Although while i teach student i still do meditation. I always go to section 5 watt Mahatad Taprajun for do meditation at term ending. I sometime do medition at watt Mahatad 10 day or 15 day or 30 day. I am not collect money and wares becase i want make merit more than. I yet have disease and pain and i still fear about status of law. I and mr. Kug induce friends and students go to do meditation at section 5 watt Mahatad Taprajun about 12 person. I remain this my life 2 year.