E7. I prove that i am sure Buddhist diety or not by do meditation.
I always do meditation and i yet wish become a monk. And all one year ago i had suffering very much together with status of law trouble me. I wish nippan but i waver about Buddhist diety. So i decided use do meditation decide between nippan or Buddhist diety in 1989. after my monk teacher die. I think that all pass time i focus my sence for overtake in now which i must stare my sence very much. But my suffering in my minde is not decrease. I think i must change by focus my sence is in now not stare my sence very much. Not force my minde becase in pass time i do very much. Although if sleep in time do meditation i not compel it for wake up i only focus my sence until sleep but when it wake up by itself at time don't know my body my sence is know it suddenly then i focus my sence is in now. In first day i change focus my sence. In second day i always sleep at i do meditation. Third day my sleep is decrease. Fourth day i not sleep my sence appear all time at i do meditation but same as my minde go to the dark and go out the dark to the light. It is intermittently. After that the dark is appear short time and it pass quickly. In 5 day my sence same as light all time although little know my minde. My sence know specifically between minde and body. When little know body it know specifically my minde. In 6 day when know between minde and body. Suddenly don't know body it have special minde but in minde have not anything it is empty. It count itself 1,2,3,4 slowly. After that it is not empty i know my minde and body. I wonder but i have sence control my minde and think what is it ?. So i test it again. When i do meditation again suddenly don't know body it know special minde but it is empty same as pass. And it count itself 1,2,3,4,5,6 slowly. After that know my body and my minde. I see that i might test again. I do meditation again suddenly it is same as that pass. But now it count itself 1 to 8 afther that know body.
I see the empty minde three time it make my minde is calm one month. My suffering is decrease. And make me think out that. I should give time for my wife and family instead of try to become a monk again. I might do duty suitably with duty. Don't increase suffering to me and family. After that i can teach computer in this computer school. I have increase income. I start study with myself for is programmer. I always do meditation at dormitory and find the monk who same as monk teacher.
In 1991 i change job for programmer but he give me is subport basic program. And my wife change job. She is government officer. I do job one year i change job again. I am subport stock and point of sale program. New job i must travel many province in thailand for teach user use program. I start write big program computer about stock and point of sale. In first and second year i work very hard for write program computer. Second year i can make main of stock and point of sale finish. I test my program by sale for a little shop. When i travel another province i have many time for do meditation and find the monk same as monk teacher.
In 1993(2536) when i do meditation very much perception of boredom is increase. And becase i have low status of law and my pain of disease is increase very month medicine can not stop it. I must not eat animal. I eat rice and vegetable and fruit. Oh! My perception of boredorm is increase very much. I do meditation all time. I don't interest about sex. I don't interest thing around me. But i yet do work. Although i do work not good but it not lose. I do meditation all time when i have sence. I do meditation continue two month. I lay everything in my minde. I think the word “happen remain and turn off is normal” or “ everything can not stick “ or “it's normal” . I want nippan very much.
When i sitdown do meditation at home at night. My wife is angry me becase i do meditation and not interest sex more than two month. She tease by say with discontent and take of my cloth and smear my with the powder over my body but i not interest and not open my eyes or move my body. She is very angry me. She go in kitchen get knife and slit my skin but not force for get hurt me. I don't fear and not open my eyes or move body. But delight of meditation is increase scatter from my body . When delight is very much suddenly my sence and delight is include at middle of my body at few second and scatter all my body. My wife tease me but she not make me hurt . After that she saw that i don't open my eyes or move my body. She stop this doing.
After few day she tease me again but not make me hurt. Then she stop tease me. She go to open and see televition. But the sound of televition can listen in the bedroom. I do meditation at my ear. The perception is grow i interest special i hear but i not interest what it mean. I see that the sound and i hear is happen then remain and then turn off it continueand continue..... I forget therefore i focus and stick my since at my ear. I have start serious. Becase i want nippan very much i stick and serious about 15 minite. When i know that it is not middle way. I not stick focus. I lay my sence is now not overtake now. After that the serious is disappear. A few minite after that suddenly my minde my sence is include down and disappear. Suddenly my minde and my sence is appear move up together think the word “although the hear it can not stick” when my minde and my sence know all body i think “ Oh! Every thing can not stick although my minde it can not stick”.
I know myself i see Anutta. I see the empty. I not interest about Buddhist diety again. Buddhist diety has not effect with my minde and my sence. After that i do meditation decrease until is normal. I know i have wit in ultimate truth. I know Dharma in many point. I stop find monk who same as monk teacher. I yet say with the angel who connect with my wife but connect is decrease.
5th december 1994 ( 2537) i had get thai citizens. I am one thai people. The low status of law is end. I have freedom i can do very thing same as thai people. I collect more knowledge about computer. I can add my income.
In 1995 i change job which income more than old job. But new office is little and not grow until it near close down. In 1996 i change new job. New office pay me more than old office. After i get thai citizens my income is add more than as much as. My family is increase good. My family is middle class. My family always do merit at temple (watt) near we home. I and my wife always do meditation at home. I start go to hospital for cure my disease. Docter tell me. I am rumatoay disease. I must eat medicine very day it help me for decrease my pain. But it is not completely cured. If i am not eat medicine the very more my pain come again. But this medicine is effect with eyes. It can make bilnd when eat along time continue .
In 1998 (2541) my father was die. In my father life he do little merit but always do little sin. But he is angel becase when we tell him think out about he's delight when i become monk. After that we don't connect with my father. Pass three month my father connect my wife he come near end merit and he say goodbye becase he nearly die. He say that he has wilt and suffering. I devote my merit that i do but it has not affect. Until i don't know do it again. I lay it and i think that i don't know it truth or false. Suddenly hight class engel connect and say with me that my father nearly born is specters. I say that i do'n know doing anything for help my father continue. The hight class angel say that you test devote merit that you wish are same as Buddha perhapse can help you's father. I say that now i wish nippan i don't interest same as Buddha. The hight class angel say that if not help now it is retrad. I say that Ok I speak normal perhapse can help father. I pay respect and say “ With truth if i hope same as Buddha” ( but in my deep minde jab me think that if can help my father out of suffering although i will suffering becase i wish same as Buddha . I accept this wish.) I speak not end sentencs suddenly my sence and my minde include to middle my body i can not do anything becase sence and minde include and push at middle body. I have delight very much and very much. The wish same as Buddha expand from deep of minde until full all my minde and delight expand full all my body. I have teardrop and body shake becase my delight. Oh! I see wife's body is shake same as me. After few minite i can speak and say devote merit for my father.
In 1989 (2532) I start prove myself about wish same as Buddha by use do meditation until 1998 (2541) total 10 year. In last 5 year the wish same as Buddha is disappear in my minde. And when i think about Buddhist diety. It has not effect to me. Although the engel always tell me that i yet wish same as Buddha and i can not cancle this wish becase it is truth and sure. But i have not interest and not speak about this story.
Oh! now i know this wish is deep more than my think and more than normal minde and do meditation can not cancle this wish if it is not yet reach time.
I say about Dharma with spirit and the angels and the Brahmas until 1999 total 15 year. And in 2000 i can say about Dharma and my experience with many people in internet which i must not meet them or see them. In pass time i think that few human know about my experience. But now with hight technology i can change Dharma and my experience with another people by internet. I think that if i am not yet bored with for say Dharma and change my experience with another people. I might doing it a long time.
Everything of my experience for know myself know duty and know Dharma. Know myself such as has sence, has meditation ,has wisdom. Know duty such as do duty that has very good , do now is good. Know Dharma such as doing in middle way , don't stick verything but do it very good.